After the session: the value of aftercare
The height of the session is done – both Dominant and Submissive are in the cool down state, heart rates coming back to normal as breathing decreases, slowing the pulse and, in most good post session states, most people are in a trancelike almost, post orgasm state of mind.
Subs – Maybe a slight smile floats across your face as your eyes are still shut lightly, your face pressed lazily against the leather of the spanking bench to which you are tied to, enjoying every last intimate moment with your Domme/Dom, savoring those last sweet scents of her or him in the air around you, knowing you are in a safe space with someone who knows you, truly knows you. It is an incredibly liberating thing, to know that someone knows every inch of you so personally and intimately like that.
Dommes/Doms – You too are smiling, but your eyes are not shut, they are focused on whatever you are doing, whether that be holding a candle dripping with wax, untying a knot or slowly and ever so carefully dragging the tip of a dagger down your subs back for some ‘cool down’ sensory play to end the night on a positive note before then helping your sub up off whatever they might be laying on. Though, you too are riding the last waves of your sadistic ecstasy. Maybe they’re purely mental, physical or a mix of both, but they are there in one form or another, because that is why we do what we do, is it not?
Both Dominant and Submissive are still connecting at this point in time, by the touch of fingers, by the tip of a cool, steel blade, or by the drippings of hot wax along the back. They are one entity focused on the same goal – seeking that higher level of pure, intoxication that only BDSM play can bring.
The louder, rougher more persistent and urgent desires have already come and gone. The swift licks of the canes and the smacks of the wooden paddles. The floor crawling madness and the hurrying “Yes Mistress/Master,” as one scurries to fulfill the others desires have already been had for the day and night, and now is that peaceful aftermath where everything stops and it is now just the two of you together, peacefully.
We should take time to appreciate this cool down period more often because it truly is a time where peace and most often times quiet or gentle discussion happens between Dominant and Submissive. That sweet rebirth we experience after all the noise clears and the beautiful chaos stops. I love this time most of all during a session. I often find myself smirking at all the beads of sweat that drip down my subs forehead and back as he leans down to kiss my feet one last time, thanking me for all I have given to him. It reminds me of how special my mere presence is to them, which is why after all is said and done, I owe it to both them, and to my own self to give them all the good aftercare in the world that any Domme can provide.
They’ve proven to me that they can serve me well, they’ve proven worthy of every aspect in every way, regardless of any human fault that happens mid-session, their humanity is then placed in my hands – for me to control then and there – to make sure that no one has left my side until they have sat by me as my equal for care that they deserve, so they know that they are special, that they are appreciated and that what they have just given to me, was a gift in an of itself.
This is one of the many reasons Aftercare is not something that should be optional, nor something that should require an additional Tribute, it is something that is earned rightfully by the submissive and given, deservedly, by the Dominant party.
You see, you can compare it to sleeping with someone and having a one night stand then getting up and leaving in the middle of the night while they are sleeping – then never calling them and never speaking to them or acknowledging them again. This is what you do to a Submissive when you simply have a session, take their Tribute and then send them on their merry way without Aftercare.
You basically say, “You were good enough to use and abuse, but not good enough for anything else, not as a person, as a friend, as an equal, as a human being, anything,“
This makes it much more likely for a submissive to experience ‘Sub Drop’ – which can have them experiencing depression, flu-like symptoms and other unpleasant feelings both mentally and physically. Though this is also common from a sudden drop of endorphins, it is much more prominent in subs who are not given Aftercare than Subs who do receive some type of Aftercare from their Dommes/Doms.
Something that is also less discussed and talked about is ‘Top Drop’ where the Dominant drops due to feelings of distress, empathy, guilt and also feeling used as well. Although less likely, it is just as terrible for a dominant.
When you mix these “drops” into the lives of those who are already struggling to stay afloat and seek BDSM as a safe space, the damage that can be done can be irreparable. One bad session can lead to a lifetime of shame and/or negative feelings toward BDSM, a particular Dominatrix, Submissive, kink, it can lead to triggers and can also psychologically affect the brain in various ways, such as, traumatizing someone who is already a victim of trauma, giving someone with trust issues even more issues with trusting people, turning people away from the lifestyle who were open to it, giving the lifestyle a bad reputation by word-of-mouth, etc.
There is simply no excuse out there to not give Aftercare.
If you do not have the time – make the time. If the submissive claims they do not have the time, make them aware prior to the session that if they do not have at least 15-20 minutes to dedicate to aftercare that this is not something you will negotiate and you will not session with them. After all – you are the one to know better in this situation. I have had many newbie subs come to me who do not understand the importance of aftercare, thinking they can run out the door after a session, they must agree to 15 minutes of post-session time with me or they get no session at all.
Another reason Aftercare is important, you are not in the same mindset prior to a session that you are after a session. Especially if said session resulted in going into subspace one or more times. Such an elated space involves a rush of endorphins, which can simulate being high. If you would not feel comfortable driving high, you should not be driving directly after completely coming down from a session, which sometimes requires having some water, having a snack, chatting a bit about what happened, what you experienced, how you felt, what you felt, etc. Once that is determined ‘out of the way’ and off your chest and you feel a bit back to normal, it is then a much safer time to drive. Also, during sessions, fluids and sugars can become low so it is always important to eat or drink after if necessary, I might add. I always recommend that, as a Domme, you keep water and snacks handy at all times. This is all involved in and a part of Aftercare.
What exactly is Aftercare? Well, there is no right or wrong answer to that. To some it is simply chatting about everything I mentioned above, then having something sugary and getting that normalcy feeling back.
To others, they may need to be held awhile and just snuggled without saying a word.
Some people need to cry and to talk, and for you to just listen to them while they get things out.
Some (mostly men) prefer to get down on their knees and hug you around the waist, or kiss your feet in thanks.
Others prefer to do quiet foot massages so they can still feel connected to you for a bit.
Aftercare is different and looks different for everybody and therefore should not be treated as a one-size-fits-all. It definitely doesn’t hurt to ask a seasoned Submissive what they prefer for Aftercare. I usually do. It’s good to know what someone needs. If someone doesn’t know or is new, you will find your rhythm with time, but something is always better than nothing and following their emotional lead will guide you with what you need to do. Do they like being cuddled or talked to? Do they enjoy doing the talking? Do they just need to cry and fall apart? Keep blankets nearby and just hold them and wrap them in a blanket, make them feel safe and cared for. All the while you will be doing yourself a favor as well.
BDSM is a very intimate thing and keeping that connection going after play is a necessity. We need to know our Domme/Dom cares about us in some way and/or vice versa, even if it is a one time thing. You are still creating something special with that person right then and there, in that moment. Make and leave a lasting impression and don’t forget them and be sure they do not forget you.
People come in and out of our lives for many reasons – Pro-Domme or not, so make sure every experience is a positive one. Therefore, always show care before you show them to the door.
XOXO
Mistress Scarlett
