A Reminder to love yourself and who you are – every bit of you
Since starting to work with kinky/bdsm friendly people, the number one piece of advice I can give to all of you is BE YOURSELF and literally fuck everyone else. It makes me so sad to see the amount of depression and sadness that people go through keeping their kinks balled up inside of them because they are so afraid of the rest of the world knowing their true nature. I have people too afraid to come to munches in fear they will be seen by a co-worker and ratted out and that they will end up losing their jobs because of their own personal lives and how they choose to live it. I have people who have been in marriages for 20+ years who are so afraid to tell their partner about their kinks in fear they will leave them because they have a foot fetish. A foot fetish!?
Meanwhile you never know what Mr. Perfect Boss or Johnny Smith next door likes to do in his free time. You know they’ve probably got some kind of kinky desire they’ve always dreamed about or one time in college on a trip to Amsterdam when they hit up the Red Light District and saw that amazing Pro-Domme. And even if they are totally vanilla and it’s only sex missionary style and nothing else, who are they to judge you?
Now listen up, cause I’m only going to say this once. If Johnny Smith has a problem with your fetish, it’s his own insecurity and his own issue because he is scared and he has secret desires he has suppressed that he cannot let out, so much so that he feels the need to judge you. You never have and never will do anything wrong.
Ladies, you can still be a damn in charge and badass feminist, but have rape fantasies. The whole idea of a fantasy is just that, it’s a fantasy, it’s not something you actually want to happen to you. It’s something you would do in a controlled environment with a partner you trust, both of you willing and consenting adults. This makes a huge difference between actual rape.
Does this mean you go trapsing through the streets screaming about your kinks? No, I wouldn’t take it that far, but the sheer level of shame and depression that comes from having to hold it in and hide it is insane. I know, cause I did it for almost 20 years and when I finally came out as a Pro-Domme I felt liberated and free. I felt like people were really seeing ME for the first time in my life. When I admitted to the world I was born a sadist and educated them on it, well, at least the ones who stuck around long enough to hear me out, I felt like I was standing up for so many of us who hide in the shadows unable to make that leap out of fear of rejection from family and friends. And believe me, I did find rejection and it did hurt. Both family and friends turned their backs on me. People who had claimed to love me and always be by my side ran away faster than as if I was on fire and running towards them. Even now, people who say they’re my friends ignore me, don’t contact me and want pretty much nothing to do with me. I have a lot of fake friends and only a half dozen real friends. It hurts, but I’ve learned that if people cannot accept you for who you are, then they are not worth having in your life to begin with. If they cannot sit down and hear you out and understand that you are the same person they’ve always known, but with a fetish or a kink, then they’re not worth it. Because one thing I hear most often is that people have no one to talk to about their lifestyle, no one to go to. They feel alone and alienated and that is not right. Everyone should have that one friend they can tell everything to without being judged. If they judge you – they are not your true friend. This is especially hard for men, but I find that women don’t even want to tell their girlfriends about their fetishes due to shame.
Even when men and women find a partner, unless they specifically find a partner on FetLife or that person opens up to them first, they force themselves to be vanilla just to seem “normal” in fear they will not be accepted or they will be called a freak and that that person will leave them if they open up about their kinks.
Listen, if you cannot be honest to the one you are with, then really, should you be with them? Relationships are based on trust and telling the truth, and when you keep that truth from someone it’s only going to either A – hurt them when they find out and make them even more mad or B – make them break up with you because you kept it from them and they will call you a freak and all those things because that’s how they think.
We were all raised with certain sexual conditioning, but Eros doesn’t work like that, he finds a way into our hearts and shows us their is much more to pleasure than just lying on our backs (ladies) or pumping away like a robot (guys) and many of us seek out the taboo and the uncommon. We push boundaries and in doing so, we find ourselves.
So don’t we owe it to ourselves after all this searching and finding and personal hell and development we go through to be ourselves? Our kinks come from all different backgrounds, some of us just develop them at a certain age, but some of us suffered from extreme childhood (and some adult) trauma and that is how our kinks manifested. We survived hell and back to be who we are and become who we are, there is no shame in that, if anything everyone should line up and shake your hand because you made it through the hell you made it through! If the worst thing that comes out of that is a fetish (and I say worst as not bad at all) then people should be thankful because it is a healthy way to express yourself and what you went through. There is nothing wrong about it. It is absolutely 100% healthy and therapeutic. And this is why I do what I do, to somehow unburden the mind of the morons out there that would seek to make one feel bad about themselves. But you must be better than them. Don’t not go to a munch and miss out on opportunities because you are scared. Do not be afraid of them, because there is nothing to be afraid of, you have done nothing wrong. You have kids? That’s okay too, I have stared down DCF and won, they cannot take away your children because you are kinky, so long as the adult toys and adult stuff is where the kids cannot get to it (but that’s a given), jobs cannot fire you because you are kinky, no matter what rumors are spread, more than likely the one spreading the rumors will get in trouble.
Unburden yourselves and stand tall and proud and KINKY AF! You are special and you are who you are, it’s about time we make this a more normal thing. At one point in time being gay was this horrible sin, coming out of the closet was a horrible thing and you were damned for it, but now it is celebrated because people are being who they truly are and life is beautiful, if you believe in it, God made all his children perfect in his own way and that includes us Fetishists too. He made the body to be enjoyed and loved. There is no perversion here, only love and pleasure. If you don’t believe in God, then believe that the human body is made for pleasure in every form and no one else has any right to tell you what you can and cannot do with your own body. Is it hurting them? Nope. Do they have to stare at it? Nope. So they need to get over it and it needs to become normalized.
People need to stop judging others for what they do behind closed doors. It doesn’t change the person you are, it actually makes you, YOU. And part of the beautiful person that you are.
If anyone has any questions, thoughts, comments or just wants to reach out to me regarding this article, please do so. I consider myself a kink therapist who does all she can to help people through difficult times in their lives and if you may be going through anything know that my sessions also include a therapy hour free of charge as well as, as much aftercare time as one needs.
With Love,
Mistress Scarlett
