For My Dominants

Questions to Ask Yourself Before you Become a Dom/Domme

So, you think you’re a Dominant or you feel more dominant and want to explore your dominant side in kink and BDSM. How can you decide if this is really what you want? How can you be sure that being a dominant is the right fit for you? And what kind of dominant are you? Here are some questions along with some thoughts to ponder on that will help you make that decision before you go diving into the wide world of kink with absolutely no clue what you’re doing and little clue as to what you may really want. Because honestly, you want to make sure you’re doing this for the right reasons and you want to know what to tell your submissive when they ask you questions about your dominant side. It’s good to do some self exploration before doing any play or having a D/s relationship.

1 – Are you dominant or submissive in life?

Honestly, regardless of this answer, you may be a dominant when it comes to BDSM. You may be submissive in life and crave an area where you can finally take control over something or someone. You may be dominant and that suits you just fine and you would like to continue being dominant in BDSM because being a Dom/Domme is just who you are and it suits your personality, but it’s good to know how the two relate to one another.

2 – Why do you crave dominance over another human being?

Now this is a very important question. And your answer is extremely important and can make the difference between abuse and an actual dominant.

If your answer is – I want to control everyone, get my way, have everything done for me and have to do absolutely nothing aside from get gifts and money and my house cleaned while hurting people physically and I don’t care about what they want or think, I’m the dominant and it’s all up to me. – This is the wrong answer.

Your answer should go something like this – I enjoy taking control in a way that helps others and guides them and makes them strive to be a better person. I like to be firm, but also loving and caring, as well as respectful, because I realize these people choose to submit to me. I enjoy punishment and other dominant activities, but I expect that my submissive will enjoy them as well. It’s a give and take of course. I want to be a dominant because it suits my personality and I want to find others who could truly benefit from my personality, while I benefit from theirs. I enjoy control and taking control over another’s life, even if it is only during playtime, this is fun for me and I get sexual/mental enjoyment out of it, but I also know to provide healing as well. (aftercare) Because BDSM is just as intimate as sexual intimacy and want to be sure my play partner knows that I am not just using them. That this is mutually beneficial for both Dominant and Submissive.

Basically, as a Dominant, you should have that inkling in you to want to please the other person as well and to respect them for wanting to serve and please you. You should know that it takes a strong person to be a submissive and give up and surrender all aspects of control to you. This takes trust and as a good dominant, you should never take advantage of that trust, it can quickly turn into an abusive situation if you do, so please, be sure you are doing it for all the right reasons.

3 – What do you want to get out of being a Dominant?

Do you want sexual pleasure? Do you simply want someone to serve you? Are you looking to manipulate people? Do you need to heal from something? Are you just looking to have fun? Are you looking for mental stimulation/pleasure? Are you looking for a D/s relationship?

These are super important things to sit down and really think about. What are you looking to get out of BDSM play? We all have a need that wants to be met when we participate in BDSM. Submissives have their own needs and Dominants have theirs, sometimes they can be the same, sometimes they can be totally different, sometimes you can have multiple needs that want to be satiated. You need to figure out what these are. The best thing to do is get a journal and start writing. Start from when you were a kid and write down what made you happy and content and unhappy. Then move to when you were a teen and do the same thing, but also add what made you sexually turned on, and be honest with yourself, no one else will read this but you. If it was seeing two guys make out or two girls, write it down. If it was feet, write it down. If it was smelling hair, write it down. This will give you a good idea about what you are looking for when it comes to kink. Thus, you can find a partner who is into the same kinds of things or open to exploring those things. Next, move on to adulthood and answer the same three questions, what makes you unhappy, happy, sexually turned on. Write about trauma, big events in your life (like parents divorcing, any deaths of people that were close to you, etc) it all ties in because at these moments in your life when these big events were happening, you were out of control and this can help you see why you feel dominant now.

The bottom line is, you have to think about the psychology of your kinks and where they manifested from. I do this with my clients in person and help them discover so much about themselves, but Submissives are for another day….so yes, gather up all this information from across the years of your life and write it all down.

Now another question, did you ever use sex, porn, bdsm or a controlling behavior towards others to make you feel in control when things in your life were feeling out of control?

For instance, and this is just an example. Parents get divorced when a boy is 14, he doesn’t quite know how to process it. He starts bossing his little sister around and yelling at her more. In school he begans to tell his friends what to do more and kind of takes the leader position. He also starts to masturbate more for temporary relief from the stress.

When he becomes an adult he has obviously accepted his parents divorce, but because his father was always dominant over his mother, he takes on this role over his girlfriends automatically because this is what he was around and learned from what he saw, his first taste of it being with his little sister. His little sister and his mother both had long blonde hair and he happens to like women with long blonde hair, not because he was sexually attracted to his mother or sister, but this is where his first taste of dominance came from and it is like a comfort to him, a safety blanket. His mother used to walk around barefoot all the time and he developed a thing for women’s feet (also a comfort and safety blanket for him, because your mother is your first safety blanket and we look for that in a partner) so he jerks off to foot porn a lot and asks his partners to let him suck on their feet. He is still a dominant, but for him this is a sexual fantasy, a need, a safety blanket.

What kind of woman does he need? He needs a woman open to foot play, but that will be submissive about it, and overall submissive, but he has to watch himself and realize his dominant side came from seeing his mother abused, so while he can have a healthy relationship as a dominant, because the way his father controlled his mother turned him on, he also has to have respect, honor, mutual love and want to do good deeds for his submissive. This is what will make the difference between abuse and a D/s relationship, which is what will probably make him the happiest in his life.

You see, it all stems from our past, our childhood, what we grew up around, our home life, our parents, our siblings (older and younger), any abuse, big life events, what we felt like we could and couldn’t control, especially when we were young. This usually determines if we turn out to be Dominant, Switch or Submissive. It is ALL Psychology, not pure sex.

Hopefully everyone is following me so far, and this is why it is so important to keep a journal as well, so you can connect the dots because the smallest thing could have the biggest significance in your life now.

4 – What kind of Dominant do you want to be?

Do you want to be a Professional Dom/Dominatrix? A lifestyle Dom/Domme? A service top? A bedroom only Dom/Domme? A life only Dom/Domme/Sub in the bedroom, A complete Switch?

What makes you happy? This one might be a trial and error one and take some experimentation. But some of these you can answer simply.

Do you want to build a business, get training and make money off of this? (Pro)

Do you want to dress the part, have collared subs, live it 24/7 as much as you can, maybe dedicate a space or room for a Dungeon? Go to events? (Lifestyle)

Do you only want to do what makes the sub happy? (Service Top)

Is this only a sexual thing for you? (Bedroom Only)

Is this just a mental/life thing only and not sexual at all? (Life Only)

Do you wanna play both fields? (Switch)

Because there are no rules when it comes to how you do you in BDSM. It’s whatever makes you, and who is playing with you, so long as it’s consensual, and who is around you, happy! That’s the only rule, is to be happy and make sure others involved are happy and content. Other than that, no one else has the right to judge what you do or how you do it. Respect one another, stay consensual, stay safe, stay sane and be yourself. That’s what BDSM is all about.

5 – What type(s) of Domination are for you?

There are many forms of domination and many kinds of Doms/Dommes. Me, for instance, I became a Domme because I was diagnosed (when it was in the DSM) with Sadistic Personality Disorder (mental sadism, not sexual). I also spent years in therapy doing Cognitive behavioral Therapy and obviously being taught right from wrong by those I grew up with, so because it was caught early, I was able to live a normal life and just participate in Sadism consensually 99% of the time. Cause most sadists are in prison. But when I was about nineteen and found out being a Pro-Domme was a thing, I nearly jumped for joy and knew exactly what I wanted to do with my life. I could be my true self, while also making others happy! It was a dream come true. Because not only was I a sadist, but I was also extremely empathetic and loved to help people and interested in psychology, so BDSM was perfect for me, and I vowed to really study it deeply and what made human beings have fetishes in the first place instead of just vanilla sexual cravings? So it appeased every part of me and I’ve been at it ever since.

But beyond sadists (A sadist is someone who likes to cause physical or mental pain, sometimes in a sexual manner, sometimes not) there are other types of dominants. There are dominants who enjoy sexually teasing, denying, ruining orgasms. There are dominants who enjoy humiliation and degradation and who are generally more verbal than anything else. Some dominants like to pretend they are a maternal or paternal figure or just a figure that is in charge and makes all the rules, making the sub abide by them. Some Dominants enjoy nothing but corporal punishment and bondage. Other dominants are so sweet you would never even know they were dominants because the subs just do what they want and need without them even having to ask, but they are still considered a dominant because at the end of the day, they are in charge. So you see, there is a plethora of dominants and some are even mixed types, enjoying more than one aspect of domination.

So, where do you fall? What do you enjoy? What does your personality say about you? Journal it!

6 – What activities do you like to do/want to learn about?

There is a never ending list of activities a dominant can do to a submissive. Never ending. I will list some, but there is no way I can list them all. Here goes. ABDL, armpit fetish, age play, ass worship, anal play, bathroom control, ball busting, biting, body torture, body painting, bondage, breath control, burning, breast torture, caning, CBT, chastity, corporal punishment, cross dressing, cuckholding, electrical play, enema control, face sitting/smothering, face slapping, financial domination, fire play, flogging, food play, foot worship, forced bi, forced exercising, forced feminization, hair cutting, hair pulling hair waxing, humiliation/degradation, human ashtray, human furniture, ice play, impact play, isolation, jerk off instructions, key holding, knife play, masking, mummification, needle play, nipple torture, nylon/pantyhose fetish, orgasm control/denial, OTK spanking/caning, obedience training, pegging, pet play, pony play, physical humiliation, plugging, predicament bondage, golden showers, psychological manipulation/abuse, repentance play, role playing, sensation play, sensory deprivation, spitting, spanking, smothering, smoking fetish, stapling, tease and denial, tickle torture, trampling, urethral sounding, wax play, whipping, ruined orgasm, cum eating, rope/shibari, queening, scat play, vaginal torture, medical play, strap on play, TENS Unit, etc

So you need to try things out, get trained, learn what you like, don’t like, hard limits, soft limits and decide what you are willing and unwilling to do because there is just sooooo much. Make sure for the things you cannot learn on your own and that are dangerous like fire play you have a professional teach you!!!! I cannot stress this enough. You don’t want to make an ooops when playing with fire. Serious injuries can occur. It’s okay to watch rope tutorials online and look up rope safety online, but electrical and fire and some others must be taught in person.

7 – Make sure you are emotionally ready for BDSM and Dominance.

Being a dominant is a lot of work and takes a lot out of you both physically and emotionally and you need to truly decide if you are ready for that kind of commitment. It’s not all just whacking someone with a paddle and then just sending them on their way. It goes deeper than that, even if you’re a Pro with no plans to get into a D/s relationship. You need to build trust with the people you play with, thus letting them get to know you a bit, and your submissives will often look at you like a therapist because in a way, you are one. When they are that intimate with you, they will often open up about things they have never told anyone else because they feel comfortable telling you. You will hear some harsh and disturbing things. Stories of abuse and rough things people have been through, it will hit your empathy button square in the center and of course, other people’s energy effects our energy.

I have also noticed that impact play and extreme pain can often bring out people’s emotions. If I had a nickel for everyone who has cried on my St. Andrew’s Cross after a whipping, well, I’d be a very rich woman. And you never want to discourage a person from getting their feelings out, this is healing for them, it’s therapeutic. Many people cannot get the proper help they need by sitting on a couch and discussing their problems to a therapist, but combining therapy and seeing a Dom/Domme can be very helpful. Often times clients will ask me to recreate their past abusive situation, but it’s different for them now because they have a safe word, they’re in control, they can stop it at any time and they can conquer it. Finally allowing themselves to let go of their abuse and saying “fuck you” to their abuser. It’s really something beautiful to see, and knowing you helped them accomplish that, it’s a great feeling.

But it gets mentally taxing, it gets draining and you have to remember to take care of yourself first, there is a such thing called Dom/Domme Drop as well as Sub Drop (which everyone is familiar with) and let me tell you, it’s not fun at all.

After a particularly emotionally tough session, I take a hot shower and use one of those shower steamers, lavender or rose works best, then I find a comfortable spot, put on some relaxing music and meditate, clearing my mind for at least 20 minutes and then I write in my journal and reflect on everything, the good and the bad. Then I let it go and separate myself from it because if you don’t, you will get overwhelmed and it will eat away at you, sending you into a drop. A few other good things to do post session are, eat something sugary (natural sugars), like fruits or orange juice, work out or go for a walk.

The dominant holds a lot of stress and has a lot of responsibility. You make all the decisions and basically dictate what will improve this persons life and well being. This person is trusting you to know exactly what to do, though they are in charge of communicating with you, you have to take their communication and tailor it to fit their needs as a sub. It’s a lot of work. Be sure you are ready for that responsibility on top of everything else you’ve got going on in your life. I think, people often don’t realize everything that a dominant truly does. And all the blood, sweat and tears that goes into what we do.

And Last, but not least

8 – Find a good and compatible partner.

Make sure you find someone who is interested in the same things you are for the most part, some differences are okay, it’s always good to introduce one another to new things. Find someone you get along well with, this is important. If you find a brat sub and cannot stand brat subs or you find a rope bunny, but you’re not great at rope, it’s just not going to work out. Make sure you mesh well. Spend time getting to know one another before you play, ask each other A LOT of questions, establish boundaries, safe words, triggers, be open, honest and above all else, keep an ongoing, open communication with one another, always. Be on the same page. If you’re a sadist, find a masochist. Learn to trust each other and the play will be fantastic.

Well, my Doms/Dommes, I hope you have learned a little about what it takes to be a dominant and I hope you learned a bit about yourself reading this as well. Please, if you have any questions about what I have written or any other questions about becoming or being a dominant, just ask me, you can write to me through the “Contact Me” form here on the site or leave a comment and I would be happy to get back to you.

As always, stay safe, play safe.

XOXO
Mistress Scarlett