BDSM & Psychology: The Beginnings
Most people who come to see me want more than just a spanking (believe it or not). These men, and sometimes women, are looking for guidance, release, someone to help them through trauma, past or present, someone to skip the bullshit of babying them, pampering them, laying them down on a couch and saying, “Well, how does that make you feel?” over and over again, week after week, as they spend hundreds of dollars and sometimes they find themselves getting nowhere.
You see, a Dominatrix and a Therapist are not so different. yet, lately I find myself getting a lot of shit thrown my way in the kink community about throwing around a simple nickname known as a “Kink Therapist”, which, by no means makes me an actual therapist with a degree. No, I do not have that piece of paper that says I can do things in an office setting. I did not read all the college books and take the exams. I did take Psychology courses in college, but I am an accountant, not a Psychologist.
BUT, let me enlighten everyone to something. Therapists and Psychologists are not required to explore their sexuality, their sexual desires, their kinks and fetishes. They are not required to examine their own sexuality at all or how it may have been traumatized, repressed or possibly denied from early childhood, yet, these are the people put in charge of handling our therapy as “qualified” sex therapists by mental health institutions and insurance providers.
Now, that is not to say that there are no kink aware sex therapists out there, but the majority of them are going to cost far more than a Dominatrix does and are sure as hell not going to be covered by most insurances. So, being a therapist, or being in school to become a therapist does not make you an all experienced “sex therapist” and “Pro-Domme” as well. As much as you would like to think so, it does not.
Now, being a Pro-Domme does not make me a “therapist” either and that is not where I am going with this. But what I do offer is an alternative type of therapy. That when traditional therapy doesn’t work for someone and they seek me out, I do what I can to help and I do use certain forms of therapy that are often used in traditional therapy practices in my practice as well because it simply makes sense and it works.
For instance, CBT (no, not cock and ball torture people), Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. I have implemented it into my life, using it with my struggles with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and I have also studied about it, just as someone would do were they in college. I have also worked with one of the top Psychologists in the state on how to utilize it in different situations. Using CBT, I have applied it to certain situations that people come to me with. I also utilize certain trauma therapies such as EMDR and Somatic Experiencing among others. I help with PTSD, dealing with loss, grief counseling, couples counseling, etc. I have been in these situations and not only use my personal experiences with them, but taken the information I have learned on my own, case studies I have read over many, many late nights and of course, over the almost 8 years I have been working with my Psychiatrist and everything I have learned from him, all of this I utilize in order to help as many people as I can to live happier and healthier lives.
Then, I add in BDSM sessions and play to the therapy and this can help with a multitude of different things. Trust being a huge aspect of play, because if there is no trust there, the session will not work at all.
Then, there is guidance, the submissive allows the dominant to guide him/her and teaching/training begins. This is valuable and can lead to better and healthier living is the submissive follows the direction of his dominant and the dominant truly knows what he/she is doing and is doing what is truly best for their submissive.
Then there is also sexual release/desire/fantasy which can relax both the submissive and the dominant, release endorphins and create an intense and amazing experience for both parties.
The dominant can also help to undo the damage that was instilled in the submissive since pretty much birth by culture, religion, family, friends, media. We were taught that “sex is dirty and wrong” and that “we do not touch ourselves because good boys/girls do not do that” or “That is a sin and you will go to hell,” or the typical “Men only want one thing and women who want sex all the time are sluts,”
These internal fears, judgements and shame stir up emotions and hold the power to stop us dead in our tracks from doing what we want to do and being who we want to be, especially when it comes to our sexuality. We disconnect and we go along on our “vanilla” track like everything is normal. Seeing a Dominatrix can help us move past that shame and put it behind us, little by little we can learn that our fetishes and kinks are our NORMAL. We do not have anything to be ashamed of.
We can also learn valuable skills by coming together. Allowing yourself sexual freedom means you are allowing yourself to truly be you, and when you are truly you, this makes you feel genuine. When you feel genuine, you feel good, feeling good leads to more confidence, confidence leads to being a happier and healthier person overall. Happier and healthier people end up going further in life and are able to conquer those past fears, traumas and that shame. It doesn’t happen overnight, but it is possible.
It helps us develop tolerance toward others as well and not be so judgemental. We start to look at people differently than we did before. We are less harsh, more loving, patient, connected and intimate. Therefore, it helps us with our relationships with others. Friends, family and lovers as well.
Communication can be a huge issue for people I see and I see big changes in them after a few months of seeing me on a regular basis. They start being more open, more honest with me, this starts to seep into their personal life as well and they learn to start communicating with other better and how they want to communicate. Whether they want to stop lying, build better negotiation skills, be open and honest without being too aggressive or passive aggressive or they just overall want to be able to communicate better with others.
And this is all just the tip of the iceberg of the things that I have seen in some of my clients after a while. These are the things that movies, tv and media in general do not show you about Doms/Dommes and Dominant/Submissive relationships in general is how productive and incredible they can be, how loving and genuinely beautiful.
People who do not understand them just see them as disgusting and wrong and do not take the time to research and look deeper into this world to really see the inner working of it.
So, there you have it, a deeper explanation of what I do as a Pro-Domme. What my “extra hour” is usually used for. And that I do not and never will consider myself a psychiatrist, but I stand by the fact that I am a “kink therapist” without any certifications, and I am damn proud and happy that I can and have helped so many people and hope that I can help many, many more.
Hope everyone is having a lovely Sunday.
XOXO
Scarlett
